genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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