I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
