ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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