and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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