im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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