I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
even my farts smell like vagina
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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