I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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