2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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