I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
