i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
