She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
