i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
