Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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