would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
