did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
