We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
