Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
