Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
