Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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