I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
