Someone shit on the floor
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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