the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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