she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
