WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
