It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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