I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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