What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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