I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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