I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
