No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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