If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
