please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So vagazzling was a success
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
