woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
