Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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