Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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