We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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