dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
