I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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