I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize