I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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