today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
