When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
