he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
