the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
