it hurts more in the daytime
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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