If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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