her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
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Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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