apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
