Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
