I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
