haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
