This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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