Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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