My sheets look like a crime scene.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This is the high leading the old right now
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
