3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
