how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
