I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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