first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
