I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
